$773.26

It’s come to this. I’m done being coy. This charade has gone on for far too long. When I first joined Allison’s Anti-Cancer Army, I thought it was going to be a one-and-done, punch-in/punch-out job. A temporary dabble into fundraising to quickly cure cancer and move on with a lifetime of non-medical pursuits such as fantasy pickleball and isometric stamp-collecting, letting the experience slowly fade into the obscure annals of my memory usually reserved for humorous fast-food jingles.

Yet here we are…still.

In like our twenty-seventh year. Are we *still* doing this? Does cancer *still* exist?? Are you guys even TRYING to donate? I don’t think anyone is taking this seriously. So it’s time for me to get serious:

For every week that we do not reach our fundraising goal, I will be releasing NEW cancers into the local water supply as well as into select packages of Lunchables. You read that right: new. cancers. Chemical warfare. Bio-terrorism. I’m not messing around. For every donation I receive, I will push back the release date by one week. Your move. *twiddles mustache*