Let's not mince words. Cancer is out of control. WAY out of control. In fact, cancer is out of control by definition. I've tolerated it long enough.
As far as I can tell through independent research, cancer is a relatively new thing. And modern problems require modern solutions. So far, nothing has worked. Fighting it, researching it, ignoring it, satirizing it...all failed. We are in the year 2023...two decades into the 21st century. We are no longer slaves to the archaic laboratories and clinical trials of yesteryear.
We live in a fast-paced, dog-eat-dog, business-oriented world. Money talks. The way I see it, the only way to put an end to cancer once and for all is to buy it out. That's right. Just straight up acquire it outright and run it into the ground through a series of poor business decisions and branding errors. According to current market research, the going price for this type of thing is $44 billion. Daunting, yes, but fear not! With my initial seed money, you guys are only on the hook for $43,999,999,975.
Be warned, if this foray into venture capitalism fails, it is directly your fault. You, the reader, for not donating enough. You don't want that on you conscience.